Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
