Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
