life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
