Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
