I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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