if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
