I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
