I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
