i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
