gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize