Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
