You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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