I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
