Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She bit a glass in half.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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