these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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