You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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