Umm I'm too high to move.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize