You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
