Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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