god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
it's not cheating when I paid for it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
