Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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