Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i think my cat just said my name.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
