I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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