how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
