I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
