He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Found the puke drawer
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
