my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
