Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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