she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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