i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
