mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
