I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
