he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We left the knife in your bed.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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