I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
