shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
