I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You ruined the universe
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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