Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
