fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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