When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
