An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
