Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
