having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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