walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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