I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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