The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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