Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
