he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
