Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
