If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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