Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
