I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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