I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
