there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
