I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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