no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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