I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He has the fingertips of a God
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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