every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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