so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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