and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
