hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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