That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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